You deserve.

You deserve someone who thinks you are beautiful,
You deserve someone who tells you,
You deserve someone who isn't afraid of your hurt
You deserve someone who wants to explore it with you,
You deserve someone who sees the darkest bits of you
Who rocks you slowly till they fade away

You deserve someone who understands the grace of God,
who knows that we are all broken,
we're just trying to find our way

You deserve someone who loves you,
Who wants to love you
And wants to show you.

You deserve someone who wants to hold your hand
in silence
for when words won't do
You deserve someone who believes in you

Forgiveness

I forgave someone, I'm not sure when I did but I know it was recently. It's weird though, because I didn't know I was even holding a grudge.

Here's the thing, she didn't do anything to me, probably why I didn't know that I was even mad at her. She hurt someone I care fiercely about and I held on to that, even after said person had let go. I shut her out, somewhat unknowingly, for all I knew she might as well not have existed. But these things are never isolated, as I shut out my relationship with her, I also began to close the window on others, sort of like a domino effect and soon there were a whole bunch of forgotten people.

It's weird because forgiveness is one of those things I feel like I am gifted with, I rarely ever hold a grudge. In fact I've often called forgiveness one of my faults, yet this particular case flew under my radar. And I held on to it for years.

But the way a grudge works is interesting, it does the exact opposite of what you hope it would do, because instead of attacking the other person, it eats at you. Slowly but surely, if you're lucky (or unlucky I should say) you might not notice and go on living your life like "normal". Hopefully when  you realize it won't be too late.

I spoke to her on my birthday, and we had a pleasant conversation and I felt a bit lighter, two days later we shared a joke and I felt just a tad lighter again. I saw a picture of her today and thought it was beautiful and I smiled to myself, I contemplated telling her... baby steps.

I feel lighter and free...

Take a small step towards forgiving someone today

Summer crafting!

My summer has finally started! I'm doing stuff, seeing friends and spending lots of time outside, the next week will prob see an influx of picture posts of what I've been up to. I've been hanging out with my friend Maribel quite a bit, she is my friend from college and has such a beautiful heart and spirit it's kind of hard not to be happy and inspired when I'm around her.

I love crafting, and being in Maribel's place is always such a dream, Her Major in college was actually design so she has supplies for days and is bursting with creativity!

 She designed these letters to hang over her bed, so pretty and ornate

'Belle!

Crafting snack

Pretty creations!

I made a card

Maribel made the cutest necklace for her Professor

A card too which she designed and printed

Finished product

I look forward to more crafting projects ahead.

p.s. I will share my finished product once the owner receives it.

What have you been up to?

Before me, who were you Mommy?

So I was snooping around my Friend M's blog and found this video which led to a series of thoughts and reflections.

[You do not have to watch the video to get the gist of the post, just to show you my inspiration/ thought process, if you do watch the video can I just comment on how beautiful their relationship is and how emotionally mature willow is!! Like what?? I know many grown men (yes I am throwing shaaade) who are not even close to this level. I've always admired {the little I know of} their parenting]


I've written about my relationship with my mother here before and all sorts of feelings about it. Fast forward to a year and some months after I wrote that post I wonder if I've learned much about her. She has gone through some pretty big changes in the past 2years so I was busy keeping up with that and didn't have much opportunity to delve into who she was before me.

I don't have any pictures of her before me. I'm jealous of you folks that have those "old school photos" of your parents before you came along. I can piece together random bits and bobs from stories my Grandma and her siblings have told me. In SS1 my Grandma sent her away to a village secondary school near abeokuta because she wouldn't focus and was always playing (this story always cracks me up). She was a runner in college, that's how she met my dad, she went to his university to compete. She was feisty and would pick fights with any and everyone, she always fought for her siblings even when they didn't want her to... aaaand that's about it! They say her smile and her laugh are still exactly the same. As for my grandma all I know is that she had a book shop when my mom was little and that's why my mom reads and writes so much. How I would love to dig! I'm going to definitely ask them when next we are all together.

My Dad on the other hand. Mahn I know a lot about him. In fact people alwaaaays want to tell me about my dad (my mom and I keep begging him to write a book). I had the privilege of sitting next to a man that used to know my father on a flight from Dubai to Lagos. In fact after I had introduced myself he couldn't come to terms with the fact that I was my father's daughter. He asked me several times in his hausa accented English "Are you sure?" "I just can't believe it" After he got over it I asked him why he was so shocked (even though I knew what was coming)
"Hmmm your father, every bad thing I did in secondary school was because of him, he was my junior but he scared me and made me so excited. He made us smoke they caught us and he disappeared." "He taught me how to drive, he used to sneak the car out of the house mid-night by pushing it manually" "Hmmm your father! who married him?"
"Erm my mother?" I replied laughing
A lot of this wasn't new to me.

I could go on for days but I'll wrap it up, My dad carries most of that energy with him still, he still sings like everyone says he did. He still smokes (he has promised that this year is his last we'll see) He still knows how to make a party out of nothing. I think my knowing all these things about him our relationship stronger and make him easy to understand, and easy to understand myself. I'm happy just like him, I draw good energy and I'm highly creative just like him, I love to sing too (though I'm no Adele I can carry a tune) I'm not half as adventurous but I find less risky ways to find my thrills.

Here is my question if you made it through. What do you know about your parents lives before you, before marriage? Who told you? Have they changed a lot? Do you see yourself in them?


Hope you're all having a great weekend!

Love always,
Sabirah.

You Should Keep a Journal...

Hey Everyone,

Hope your week got off to a good start. I'm always talking to people about writing in a Journal and all the amazing benefits, I thought I'd share with you my top 12. If you know someone who is "stuck" or needs to find their "happy" again please share. :)

1. Personal development and Awareness : Writing in a journal can really help you grow as a person. How can you become a better person if you don't know who you are? how can you change if you don't love yourself? I believe keeping a journal can really open yourself up to you.
2. Remember: Sorry to break it to you guys but your memory is not a video recorder, in fact just a while after that amazing experience you will begin to loose little details and soon all you'll remember is how great you felt- which is OK but- Imagine being a able to go back and read it all, or share it with someone? While I was in Italy I wrote in my journal so much and I'm happy I did. I have about 3pages describing the flavor of a certain gelato- Yes that good.
3. Goal Setting: It is said that "A goal not written down is just a wish" Writing down your goal is actually proven to make you more likely to achieve them (sorry I can't pull up the study, what is this psych 191? :p). Anyways write your goals down, track them, plan! achieve! 
4. Perspective: Sometimes ( A lot of the time) We have to step back and evaluate a situation, unfortunately our heads will mix our evaluations with feelings and "butt-hurt-ness" and writing it out in your journal can help you see it from a different perspective maybe when the emotions are less intense. 
5. Safe Space: The world can be a harsh place, and sometimes even our friends and family "just don't get it" A journal can serve as that safe space to vent, to confess or just let it all out. Quiet time with yourself and even God too. Writing definitely soothes the soul.
6. Improve your relationship with yourself and others: For some people it's easy to describe feelings, or maybe we just learnt early on. Some feelings are also easier than others, for me when I feel undervalued it first looks like fear, but I try to take some time to Journal about it and understand it and if it involves another person, explain it them after.
7. Focus:I'm constantly day dreaming and usually have 101 fun ideas or things I want to do floating at the same time in my head. It can get pretty chaotic up here and hard to get a clear focus on a central idea, so I write it down. Sometimes if I can't put it into words I'll just doodle it- I love doodling!
8. Reflect and Measure progress: I love going back to read things I wrote, I can see distinct areas of growth and sometimes areas that may need some work still. It's amazing.
9. Gratitude Attitude: Nothing like being grateful to lift your spirits, some of my journal entries are just long "Thank you's. When I read some problems I wrote about previously I write again on how thankful I am they got resolved.
10. Problem solving: I love to make lists of pros and cons in my journal, also "the worst possible outcome" of taking certain decisions. When I write them down I can see how silly my fears are or If I really should hold back.
11. Peace: Sometimes even if there isn't an immediate solution to a problem, I write it in my journal and just let it go for that moment. I also forgive people a lot in my journal. And that overwhelming feeling of peace is just blissful.
12. Happiness: Since keeping a journal I've learnt so much about who I am and as a result I am happier. I know the things that bring me the most joy and I'm taking steps to pursue them. No matter what stage you are in life you can benefit from some more happiness :). Your well being will affect those around you for the better too!

Whoooosh I didn't intend for this post to be this long and if you stuck around to the end I hope you gained something. Of course you don't have to journal everyday, I haven't journalled in a while myself so this post is kind of a reminder to myself. I know people that use their phones to journal, have a private/public blog, (this blog is kinda my semi-journal lol) but I like paper and pen. Quiet time :)

Have a great day/ evening everyone!

Love always,
Sabirah.

Thursday Tidbits.

It's Thursday yahooo!

1. Some things in life shouldn't be expensive, like lipstick, like why should I buy one tube out of all the many other shades of the rainbow for $18. Nah son. Pass.
2. I took out my braids!! Praise Master Jesus, they've been in for waay too long.
3. Washing my hair is. ahhhhhh. I love my hair.
4. I love my hair, in case you didn't see the first time
5. It's my birthday sooon :D
6. Hey read my last post! I really want more input on that topic, it's still swimming in my thoughts.
7. I am in love with Target. I can live there.
8. And baby elephants, well I can't live in them but you get.
9. My brother vacates from boarding school today. Wish I was home to meet him :( I miss that boy.

Have an amazing weekend everyone!

God bless you.

Love always,

Sabirah

How do you know...

...that you want children?

Happy Independence day to all ye Americans! Hope you had fun if you celebrate this holiday! I went to work much earlier then ended up having dinner and watching fireworks with my lovely co-worker and her amazing family and friends. I really enjoy hanging out with adults. It was tons of fun.

So my co-worker has often told me how loving her 5year old twin boys are (they are the last of her five sons!), they smother her in hugs, kisses and "mommy I love you's" every couple of minutes. When she used to tell me before I met them I would just be like "awwww, they are so sweet can't wait to meet them". Today I finally did and I was in awe, not only did they tell her how much they loved her multiple times, they told her she was beautiful, smart and "good"(their words) over and over. You know how children speak straight from the heart? It's a beautiful thing to watch and I was just so captivated. The boys are really sweet and by the end of the night "Auntie Sabirah" had gotten a few hugs and kisses too!

I could speculate on why the boys are so loving; their mom has a really kind spirit, and open heart and is just a joyous person, or maybe they watch their father smother their mom in the same type of affection(he does), or maybe they haven't been taught that boys shouldn't express their feelings... who knows? Could be a combination of all... but that's not the reason for this post, see when I was with them something stirred in me, I felt like I wanted this, that one day I'd like to have  children.

It's something I've always known I wanted, not really sure why, maybe because it is expected of me? I've just never really asked myself why. Like I can tell you a million and one reasons of why I want to be in a committed long-term relationship a lot of which don't sound selfish, but when I think of children not so much. When I hear people talk about why they don't want children many of their reasons make a lot of sense and I feel like if I were to write an argumentative essay it would be easier to write on why one wouldn't want kids.

But I want children! For many selfish reasons; So I can give love and receive it, so I can look at my partner and say "see what we made, that's a part of both of us!". So I can watch someone grow. I'd love to have my own and definitely adopt as well by God's grace. I still need to think about and reflect on this. But I'd really love to hear from you...

Do you want children? Why or why not? When did you know and how? Are you sure?


Love and Baby giggles!
Sabirah

Oluwaseyifunmi...

A lot of my close friends are people I've known for a long time, mostly from early high school days, Of course I've made friends along the way but some of my closest are also the oldest. But let me tell you about this girl. I guess I should start from the beginning, we kinda have a cute love story.

It was cold dreary winter day, 12/12/09 to be precise. I only know the exact date because I took the picture below.  It was my first quarter at Davis and I had finished finals that day, most of my new friends had gone home for winter break, I don't know where I got the bright Idea that staying in Davis would be a wise decision.

I was on skype with my friend Ebuka and I think we were playing some game (chinese checkers or hangman). We thought it would be fun to add another person to our game, but none of our mutual friends were online so he asked me if I minded if he called Seyi (this is how I remember the story oh :s if I'm wrong please don't correct me, I like my story).

...I was cool with it, the more the merrier yes? So he added her to the call, we never ended up playing the game. When she answered the phone she was speaking yoruba to someone and I remember thinking, how cool! I never hear young people speaking yoruba to one another. So yeah we just ended up just gisting about various topics. Then Ebuka said "You california people" and I was like what? You're in California? and she was like yeah, San Francisco. I got so excited! That's like 2 and a half hours from Davis! I love SF and I hang out in the city a lot. We discussed our favorite SF spots till Ebuka started feeling left out. lol

After a while I complained about being hungry and how I was out of milk, then she said "I'm not doing anything I'll bring you some"
I was like "what? it's past midnight and it's an almost 3hour drive!"
 And she was like "But you're hungry, what's your address I'm getting in my car"
So just like that I gave this girl I had just met my address to come to my house in the middle of the night. Long story short she came, She forgot the milk and brought an uninvited guest - her poodle who peed on my carpet and chased me around my apartment. (the picture above with the poodle was taken that night we met).
So she stayed over that night with her hyperactive dog and the next day instead of going to buy milk, I packed an overnight bag and followed her back to hers, I ended up staying 5days. lol

And that was the beginning of a long friendship, I can't imagine how many miles I put on her car with all the back and forths. I remember telling my mom about her and how we met and then my mom spoke to her and fell in love.

Overtime I came to love not only her but this wahala dog "Buddy" we have a complicated relationship but I do love her.

Seyi was with me during some of my most difficult times read breakup  ever, ready with a box of tissues and several bottles of wine. We had great times in my apartment. She never missed my birthday and we always spent them either on my couch or bed singing off key and drinking wine and then stuffing our faces at sushi buffet later.

One of my favorite memories with her was new year's eve 2009, we had been at a party banquet thing(such a fun fancy party) then at a quarter to 12 we decided we didn't want to party into the new year so we started rushing home, needless to say we didnt make it and ended up parking in front of a 7-eleven and praying into the new-year.

Our many beach escapades (see Living on the edge) were always so much fun! it pays to live on the coast.

If I were to describe Seyi in one word it would be "Selfless" when she cares about you she will always make your needs a priority. She also is the definition of "I don't send" I love her spirit. I remember anytime we went into a store she would dance sing and just generally embarrass me just for the heck of it. (ugh why is this starting to sound like an eulogy? God Forbid). A lot has changed since I first met her, for one she no longer wears only distressed boyfriend jeans I mean she must have had like 10 pairs(pictured below)! And she is no longer a cynic. In fact she makes even me do the puke face sometimes, yeah that cheesy in love). But she still collects perfume and she still has one of the strongest spirits I've ever met.

I'm definitely blessed to have met her just by chance. I only hope I''ve brought as much joy into her life as she has to mine.

So what's the point of this long story? We'll She's moving to a different state, and yeah it's not that big of a deal but then it is. It hit me hard on Tuesday. See no matter where I went, I would always know that when i came back to California Seyi would be there. When I went to Italy and came back, she was there, when I moved to Nigeria and then 6months later found myself back in America guess whose house I went straight to from the airport? Yeah. She has been a constant. I was a Big girl as I hugged her goodbye yesterday, I didn't even cry but mahhn... sigh

So Seyi, When you read this (and forgive me for reducing your street cred) I just want you to know I love and care for you deeply. As you start this next chapter of your life I wish you utmost happiness and God's guidance and protection. Take time out for yourself so you can continue to be as amazing as you are. You are a special person, beautiful inside and out and I am privileged to call you my friend!

If you (La Bella imperfezione readers) are reading this, please send her some positive energy and also take time out to appreciate the good friends you have (the reason this was sounding like an eulogy was 'cos people only ever stay these things when it's too late) If you appreciate someone let them know today!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Love always,
Sabirah

On Maintaining Relationships.

Over the last 2 days I've emailed 6 friends, Called 2, texted 5, emailed 3 former employers, sent a card to an old colleague, called an aunt and emailed 2 cousins and one professor; This list doesn't include the friends I talk to every couple of days via bbm, phone or text. And I still have people I need to contact

How do I deal?

Over the last year between graduating, going to Italy -> California -> Lagos and now back to California, I feel like I've left a string of relationships all over the place. Relationships I can't seem to properly manage. For example, my college friends who I love so dearly; these people were the ones I cried to when I slaved all week on a paper and still got a B, or when that relationship ended. They were the ones I cooked for every weekend, the ones who stayed with me the thanksgiving I had nowhere to go...

How about my former employers? The ones who gave me an opportunity, and taught me, corrected me and encouraged me, the ones who still agree to be my references? Or cousins, who I have lost touch with but still share about 12% of my DNA. Or friends who may not be so close but I still know I will cry at their weddings and still stay on the phone with them for three hours when they need to cry.

Or my new friends who I've know only a short while but it seems like an eternity... The list is endless, these relationships may not be my closest, as close as before or geographically close but all these people mean something to me and are an important part of my existence.

My question is how do you manage? I know at some point in my life I was on top of it, monthly check-in's for some, bi-weekly check-ins for others and for some just a "hello hope you're well" once every 6 months and a "happy birthday, God bless you" once every year. But somehow I lost it, and I don't know how to get it back. I know that saying "20 friends cannot play together for 20 years", and I understand it. This isn't a matter of "friendship". From casual acquaintances to work networks... These are relationships I don't want to just fizz out, some will I understand, but I want to do my part to make sure some don't.

And I'm drowning.

Help.

On Intimacy

What does it mean to be intimate with someone?
What does it feel like? How do you know and how do you get there?
People often describe intimacy in terms of the physical which I believe is so limited. For me intimacy is defined way beyond the physical. It represents a true private, personal, close connection that comes about from sharing a unique bond, a deep sort of friendship. I'm still learning about what it entails but I feel like I have struck gold.

A while back my partner and I were having a conversation about what makes relationships special- I think it's what first made us both start talking about what intimacy meant to us both. There were a lot of things that had to happen before we were that comfortable. The most important thing I think was opening ourselves up to vulnerability.

Being vulnerable is a scary thing. It's opening yourself up to the possibility of being hurt and most people would rather not go through that, but there's also so much power in vulnerability, if you shield yourself from the the probability of hurt you also shield yourself from experiencing a powerful bond with another human being. We had both experienced hurt in different dimensions so making a decision to be honest and transparent toward each other wasn't easy and we had a lot of rocky moments where our trust for one another was shaky. As we continued to slowly build our trust in each other we were able to be more vulnerable.

I can't say the moment in which it changed but I can tell you that the first time I felt truly intimate with my partner was one day when I had a huge problem. I was at my wits end and completely lost as to what to do. As I had the courage to tell him what had happened, he quietly said "let's pray". At that point I was already in tears and even if I wanted to protest I couldn't. He began to pray and I was truly moved, because every word that came out of his mouth sounded like it was coming out of my heart. It's a moment i'll never forget for the rest of my life.

The second time was walking into church one Sunday, we were walking in front of my mum, hands linked. I'm not sure if I've talked about my spirituality here before (post for another day maybe) but mostly I've had a rather shaky journey and to me it was such a big deal for someone not only to allow me to grow in my own pace but also be concerned and offer help along the way. I guess it was all symbolic.

I've watched my parents find intimacy again and it's just beautiful. I saw them watching television on mute one day, sitting on the couch holding hands, I knew in that moment they were connected to each other, I quietly left the room and I'm sure they didn't notice. Their relationship has been a difficult one, but somehow they are finding what they once lost.

It's one of my favorite things about relationships (everything I've said and I'm saying can be applied to non-romantic relationships, just using mine as an example). Intimacy seems to be lost in a lot of relationships these days, since I've only recently discovered it I can't really give many pointers, but its so powerful, it's the thing that still makes me feel so close when I'm over 10,000km away. I'll say this though; be honest, be honest about what you want and who you are, don't be afraid to let it all show, be honest about your fears, your dreams, even the silly ones. Be true to the person you are.



Love always,
Sabirah

How to Flirt while in a Relationship

Because I'm so nice and kind and I love to help people I've decided to share this invaluable information. Ladies you can eat your cake and have (some of) it... Notice I said ladies, guys shooo away... No i'm serious close this page. Ladies where were we? So this invaluable information.... by the way single ladies are very welcome, we are one big estrogenous family- Please don't ask.

OK here is a scenario - You have been dating a lovely person for a while, this person is all that and a bag of gummi worms except of course when said person is hungry or just being a general brat. Anyways you like said person a lot or maybe even love and have eyes only for your boo. Well Sort of...

You're out and about and you spot a hottie and for a second you think "Damn why am I in a relationship?" (It's OK you can confess, I promise I won't tell, you are not a horrible girlfriend) Of course you aren't going to write your name and number on a paper napkin and sultrily slip it to him. Come one even when you were single you didn't have such guts Here is what you do... My friend Khafil thinks I'm uncool, whatever. You're a Loser too.

BAIT and WAIT. Extremely cool right? Yes. You've probably unconsciously done this before... or not

STEP 1: You bait said hottie, however you best know how, I'm rather subtle so a few glances and a small smile, some of you come on strong if it backfires please don't call me, actually if any of this backfires I dont know you You can ask the time, borrow a pen, whatever the situation allows. A few words are allowed like;

"When will this flight ever leave?" - OK this kinda sucks

Not too many words like;

"Wow! you and Adam Levine have the same bone structure, a firm jaw that I find very attractive in a Hot man such as yourself" - Even when you are thinking it, DO NOT SAY THIS.

STEP 2: WAIT. This is the hard part, wait for hottie to take the bait, respond. Chill and do not bait again. I repeat, do not bait again, lose all interest immediately! ABORT! Ok not that serious. After this point if you get a response, you can have a nice chat, refuse to give out your number or whatever and go home to your boo. Fin. Win.

Or he can give you Ela (Non-Nigerian readers this means to be ignored or generally shot-down, mostly the latter) and you still go home to your boo. Win.

Advisory note: Do not use the technique described above without consulting your common sense. The Writer and Editor of La bella imperfezione will not be held liable for any negative consequences such as; Break-ups, Emotional distress and trauma.

Love always,

Sabirah.

21st century Homemaker

When I came back to Nigeria, my mom encouraged me to join Toastmasters, a leadership and public speaking club she was an active part of. I mostly joined because I was curious and didn't have much to do anyways. Can I just say it's been wonderful! There are not many spaces in Nigeria where young adults can mix with much older people freely and be spoken to as equals (sort of). The environment is so welcoming and positive, I immediately felt comfortable. I've been attending since then and I've won "best table topics" (a 2minute impromptu speech session) twice :D I have already started improving. I'm really thankful for this space.

Anyways, last thursday we had another meeting, our meetings are great because anyone can come so we usually have new people visiting each time. After the speeches and general activities for the day are done, the guests are made to introduce themselves to the members (name, profession etc) and what they liked or disliked about the meeting. So this gorgeous woman, who was really well spoken (her table topic had been funny, cos she was so nervous and cute)- i had basically been wondering about her since- Got up to speak.

She introduced herself; "My name is Mrs. XXX and I'm a homemaker" with a dazzling smile. All of a sudden I wanted to know everything, who is this woman? What does it mean to be a homemaker? What does it entail? So I went to speak to her afterwards and asked her. She gladly answered me; She was a mother of five and she had dedicated her life to raising her children and taking care of her home. The idea was so profound to me- it wasn't that I had never met a housewife before, it was that I hadn't met one like her. I always imagined dreary, overworked women. Or something. Defintely not her. Two years ago I would have scoffed at the idea of a housewife, and even now that I was open to it, it was nice to encounter something that broke that stereotype I had created. And she got paid! very well! I won't lie I was already dreaming could I? Would I?

It was a pleasure to talk to her and I hope she comes to the meeting next week so I can pick her brain some more and make her my friend! I love being in the company of older people. Speaking of which, there is an older couple who I also love at our meetings! The man is a neurosurgeon, has his own practice and his wife works with him as the clinic manager. They are so cute, always dressed up, his pocket squares are just too dapper.  Everytime she gets up from her seat, he does so as well out of respect,- basically the perfect gentleman.Sigh I'll stop gushing.

Love, old age, and good choices,
Sabirah

Fight the "good' fight

The quote above is so apt for me. In an effort to be an activist, to implement change I have somewhat got caught up in the things that don't even matter.

While its important to look at change from every angle and area in our lives, it is important not to lose track of what is really important. I find myself doing this sometimes, when someone says something slightly problematic i bring out my claws ready to draw blood. I have to remember that not everyone understands the reasons or history behind their actions and or speech and therefore it is not the individual I should be attacking but the systems that create such an individual. So I retract my claws and retreat... no blood today.

I find myself doing this in my personal relationships too. Sometimes in an effort to correct a loved one I end up hurting them, something are just not worth that. Its hard to retreat but its lesson in discipline and I'm happy I have recognized this. My hope is that as I continue to focus on the areas that matter the most, I will start to see improvement in other areas as well.

I'm learning to pick my battles wisely, good things take time and focus :)

Opinion: The Not-So-Single Woman.

Hi Everyone, 


Firstly let me say thank you to everyone who has visited in the past few days, you may not comment but I know you were here.lol! Thanks for reading and sharing.


So I've been thinking about the roles women play and how they differ from men by situation, and one of them that has been on my mind for a while is being single. By my observations, a lot of women, myself included are not really good at this. Maybe it was how we were raised, societies pressures, a need to be wanted or a nice combination of all of these but it definitely is interesting to explore.


When a woman becomes newly single; she is often encouraged by her friends to go out and seek life! live! enjoy... and then they start to hook her up with  their male friends. See the problem here? And these are all well meaning friends, but somewhere we have defined being happy and "living" into meaning having a significant other (OK this is another conversation. I'll stay on track) The other day I was talking to a friend and found myself doing exactly this. Our conversation went thus:

Me: So how was the party?

Her: It was fun, I met this nice guy.

Me: Oh really? What is he like? What does he do? …etc

(At this point she had to stop me)

Her: He seems like a nice guy, we’v been talking but I don’t want to be in a relationship, he would be a very good friend

Me : :O oh… okay

Without meaning to, I was already trying to figure out if he was a "potential". And it was this conversation that got me thinking. My Nigerian culture places a lot of value on relationships, most importantly marriage, but even in American media, the so called independent woman is usually devoid of any true happiness until it involves a man. These not-so subtle messages get to us, but are they really true? And is being truly single- without looking for the next potential relationship- even possible?

Opinion : Love yourself 101 required or not?

Hi Everyone,
Lets have a discussion.

So I keep hearing this statement "You can't love someone until you love yourself". I probably said it myself in the past too, but the more I think about it, the more problematic it seems to me. Before I get into it, let me mention that i'm a hopeless(ful) romantic, and very optimistic about most things- people don't like my kind too much-

See I'm all for self-love and all and I see how it can make a relationship easier but I really don't see how it interferes with loving another person.

Let me give you a scenario : I have a friend, lets call her M, two years ago she started dating this guy, actually let me back-track M was one of those girls who had been through so much shit, it had you wondering how she was still standing, and thriving. She had a lot of issues in loving herself as a result- Anyways so this boy came along and they started dating, I didn't approve at first, 'cos I didn't think she could give him what he wanted.

But I was wrong, they actually ended up having a pretty healthy relationship, that it had its own dose of ups and downs like most relationships do. They loved each other and everyone could see it. When they broke it off- Hahah no this isn't a happily ever after story- He moved out of the country, She was a better person altogether, it was amazing, that she had somehow found herself in him through his love for her... (there is the hopeless romantic bit)

But yeah there's an example that proves the saying wrong, but of course we don't live in a perfect world and chances are if her Boyfriend had turned out to be a jerk she might have been worse for wear but still...
This is not me advocating throwing yourself into another's arms when you know you have issues with you... I'm just saying I don't necessarily agree with the statement

What do you think? Do you agree or disagree? Or have an experience to share?