On Maintaining Relationships.

Over the last 2 days I've emailed 6 friends, Called 2, texted 5, emailed 3 former employers, sent a card to an old colleague, called an aunt and emailed 2 cousins and one professor; This list doesn't include the friends I talk to every couple of days via bbm, phone or text. And I still have people I need to contact

How do I deal?

Over the last year between graduating, going to Italy -> California -> Lagos and now back to California, I feel like I've left a string of relationships all over the place. Relationships I can't seem to properly manage. For example, my college friends who I love so dearly; these people were the ones I cried to when I slaved all week on a paper and still got a B, or when that relationship ended. They were the ones I cooked for every weekend, the ones who stayed with me the thanksgiving I had nowhere to go...

How about my former employers? The ones who gave me an opportunity, and taught me, corrected me and encouraged me, the ones who still agree to be my references? Or cousins, who I have lost touch with but still share about 12% of my DNA. Or friends who may not be so close but I still know I will cry at their weddings and still stay on the phone with them for three hours when they need to cry.

Or my new friends who I've know only a short while but it seems like an eternity... The list is endless, these relationships may not be my closest, as close as before or geographically close but all these people mean something to me and are an important part of my existence.

My question is how do you manage? I know at some point in my life I was on top of it, monthly check-in's for some, bi-weekly check-ins for others and for some just a "hello hope you're well" once every 6 months and a "happy birthday, God bless you" once every year. But somehow I lost it, and I don't know how to get it back. I know that saying "20 friends cannot play together for 20 years", and I understand it. This isn't a matter of "friendship". From casual acquaintances to work networks... These are relationships I don't want to just fizz out, some will I understand, but I want to do my part to make sure some don't.

And I'm drowning.

Help.

31 day reset- Day 12

Today's task was to craft our ideal life narrative. I really enjoyed writing this :)

I am living in a quiet surburb filled with the sounds of birds, wind and children playing. Our house is spacious and has a lot of light coming in through the large windows, I especially love my home office because of the giant inspiration board above my computer. It is organized and messy at the same time. This is where I create. We own a lot of art and It's everywhere. Mostly by me and the people I love but also some prints of famous pieces. Our Decor is very DIY- Quirky. I love to entertain and my huge kitchen has been the home to lots of laughter, tears of joy and reunions. My partner and I host dinner parties often to catch up with friends and I hold a monthly book club meeting.


I am not "famous" but I am well known and respected in my field. I am good at what I do. I am a teacher, a creator and inspiration, a mover and shaker(lol). I run a successful cosmetic line and own an all natural salon and spa. I am active with the youth in my community especially girls and I am a mentor to many. I am part of a successful NGO in this area. I also run a blog/website where I share random things like recipes, book reviews etc and remind myself to stay happy and not forget me.


I spend my summers with my family in Florence doing some work, relaxing and continuing to practice my Italian. Travel is important to me and I try to experience a new area often whether 100km or 10,000km away. I enjoy and cherish my time alone and try to find at least a little time to spend by myself often. I take long baths in my vintage cast iron tub with claw feet to relax and often dance/go dancing with my partner for fun.


My partner is a handsome loving caring man who supports my quest to be a better person as I support his. I am very close to my parents and see them at least every two weeks. My brother and I are very close and he often spends a lot of time at my house. I am in touch with extended family members and often call, send gifts and visit.


I exercise often and cook healthy meals for my family. I am healthy physically and mentally. I earn enough to live the life I want and enjoy a few luxuries once in a while. I portion at least 10% of my earnings to helping others have a better life.


I am consistent on my self development journey and I continue to find ways to learn more, read more, give more and create more. God is ever present in my life and I bring him into my consciousness all the time. I stay on track with meditation, quiet time daily and prayer.
I am living my truth, and you can see it in all the love that shines upon me.

31 day reset day 8 & 9

(I did day 7 in my journal)

So Day 8 was a reflection exercise.
What is the most important thing you learnt about yourself this week? - That I am enough; I am smart, creative and capable of quite a lot once I focus.

What has been your favorite exercise?-
 Writing out my values in action, it just made them real, I like to see things written out because i'm very visual and it was just comforting to see I had been living out many of my values in different ways.

What was the most difficult exercise for you?
Day 2, writing out what I liked and disliked about my life. Because I tend to be so optimistic, facing reality is often hard and requires some soul searching, a lot of which I wrote in my journal instead. It was difficult.

Day 9
So Today's task was to do one thing that moves you closer to your ideal life
But it had to fufil at least one of these requirements.

Something you've been procrastinating on for a long time
Something that terrifies you
Something that inspires you

So I called my aunt... and It went to voicemail. yeah... That's all I have to say about that for now. I guess I have to try again later.

Hope everyone had a great week!

Love,
Sabirah.

31 day reset- Day 1

So I'm doing this personal growth challenge that a certain lovely lady proposed to me, @Nerdychique has been a blessing to me in so many ways and I'm thankful for her. I've been on this personal growth kick since April and I've been taking personality tests, asking myself some important questions etc. I even realized that for the first time in my life I can comfortably say I love all of me and I'm am comfortable and secure in the person I am. It's been a while in the works and not an easy journey.

It's time to take this journey a couple of steps further and this couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. The 31 day reset is a month of daily exercises designed to motivate your personal growth in terms of happiness, entrepreneurial spirit, pursuing your passion and much more. So I'm excited. Always looking for ways to become a better version of me.

I invite you to join me and some other ladies here. I might post everyday depending on how I feel about each exercise, If you do decide to do it please let me know! and use the tag #31dayreset if you wish :)

Day 1
Choose your Reset Notebook

Sorry, Shitty Webcam photo

I chose this book because 1) I submitted my for real journal to my psych class, I might actually end up using that one, still undecided.

But I chose this book cos my mom hand wrote a bunch of prayers and daily devotionals for me when I was coming here, It was such notice but she filled it almost halfway. I think it's the sweetest thing ever. Isn't her handwriting pretty?

Choose your personal Mantra

"Live in truth, not in Fear. Love is you"

I chose this as my mantra because well the first part has always been my mantra, actually planned to tattoo it on the insides of my wrists last summer and I still might. It means A LOT to me. The second part is to remind myself to be an example of Love in all I do.

Choose a theme Song

Beautiful flower - India Arie. I simply like the message. Beautiful, brilliant, resilient, powerful. All that I am and want to be :)

Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield. Listen to it. you'll understand :) siiiigh. 

So that's it. 

Will you be joining in?

Love, 

Sabirah

Dream Jobs, contests and more dreams

Hi!

Wow! Overwhelming response on my last post, I was pleasantly surprised and had no idea it would touch so many people. I'm truly grateful for everyone who read it, thought it was good enough to share and passed it on. Thank you, It means a lot.

So today's business! I saw this amazing contest on Modcloth and I just had to enter, I'm not really big on contests but this one looked like so much fun, and I already have and love Pinterest so I thought why not?

So I set about creating a board that reflected my dream job... Only problem was, I don't really have one, I was only stuck for a few moments and while thinking about it I tweeted this- "Still don't know what my dream job is or if it exists, but I know the random mish mash of things that make me happy and that's OK :)” This comforted me while I tried to figure out what to put up.

I know that I'm highly creative, I know that I'm a helper, I love to learn and I love the study of the human mind. I know that I'd like to make a difference where it matters. Under these broad descriptions I could do a variety of things and I'm sure I have so much more to explore. I also know that it's important you do something you enjoy and are good at. While the idea of not having a box to place myself in scares me a bit, it also greatly excites me.

For the competition I narrowed it down to teaching and being the creative director for my brand Natural Saturdays. It was so much fun creating the board just as I expected. What I didn't expect was all the reflection it made me do. I'm glad. I keep getting inspired by the oddest things!

Here's a snapshot of my entry

If you'd like to see the pictures in higher quality and read my reflections (blurbs) on my "dream job" you can view the full entry here

So do you have a job/career suggestion for me?

How about you? Do you have a dream job?

Tell me in the comments even if it's "silly"

Love,

Sabirah.

This teaching thing (part 2)

I've talked about me teaching here before so if you haven't read that post I encourage you to.

My experience with teaching has been bitter-sweet. If you follow my tweets you probably noticed that during the school term I tweeted about my students a lot. They made me happy, angry, frustrated excited and on two separate occasions they made me cry.  I love giving them hugs (finally got used to it) and their constant washing  compliments "Miss Sabirah you are so beautiful, we love your earrings".

Unfortunately teaching isn't just about the students, it's about the organization, bureaucracy, politics and power struggles, and a heavy dose of ass kissing. Now a lot of people know the school I worked at but please this is not a direct jab at them, I'm thankful for the opportunity they gave me. I have had the experience of teaching at other schools so I'm being honest about the system in general.

Among the very many reasons I decided I wanted to teach was that I'm a creative person, I love trying new things, working on fresh ideas and putting a spin on old things, it reflects in almost all the things I do in my life. My belief was that teaching would be another outlet for my creative energy since I was beginning to feel stifled in Lagos. Unfortunately that wasn't the case, before I got hired, I was asked what I could change and what kind of ideas I would bring to the school. I gave a few examples in the interview and got really excited, when the time came to implement them it was just obstacle upon obstacle. It quickly became frustrating.

Then there was this communication gap between the administration and the teaching staff, we (they) were overworked (this left me being a substitute teacher for classes I wasn't prepared for) and their ideas or recommendations didn't seem attended to or even valued. It was weird in my position because since I was new I had good relations with the admin but then I felt like I had to pick a side. A school is an organization where everybody HAS to be working together. When communication is strained things start to fall apart, dissatisfaction seeps in and productivity diminishes no?

Of course all of this going on makes it difficult to work, some days it just became a drag on others a power struggle. Let me say though that the students got excellent grades and won competitions constantly. So maybe all this was just a means to an end. I don't know. I just wish it was different. A lot of things I ran away from in the corporate work place just came to meet me here. Teaching at the public school was different because since I was volunteering my time I had a lot of freedom. and ohh the things I accomplished. Truly thankful for that experience and for this one too. Everything is a learning experience and i'm grateful for that.

Quite a bit has changed and I will give updates at my own pace of course.

Till then,
Happy Holidays.
Sabirah.

This Teaching thing...

Happy Sunday everyone!

Hope you've had a great weekend! I had a really fun time this weekend, I went to a live recording of Nigerian Idol to support my friend Diwari, PLS SEND 526 to 33680 if you're in Nigeria, she's really good! voting closes on Wednesday. Thank you :)

I also went to a birthday party my sister-friend/better half/best-friend threw for her boyfriend, spent most of the day helping her in the kitchen and getting ready (i'll probably do a post if I can get the photos) met some amazing people and had a great time. The partner and I have the perfect "we came together but we can mingle too" thing going on. It was such a big success! Well done Khaf!

So now to the actual post, Lots of people have asked how I got into teaching, what it's been like etc so hopefully I can answer all those questions here.

I've kinda always known that at some point in my life I would teach, at first, when I was on my PhD track, it was higher education that I was interested in teaching but I didn't know it would be so soon. When I made the decision to come back to Nigeria after college I knew that I didn't want to work in a bank or anything like that. I thought about my experiences, my strengths and how I could give back and of course teaching came up again. Being a teacher is such a creative environment which is exactly the type I thrive in.

I remember the first month of my arrival in Lagos I told everyone upon meeting them "Hey I want to be a teacher, if you know someone hiring let me know" It was my opening sentence to every interaction. Sure enough it paid off, about three different people contacted me about different opportunities. Since I
 hadn't started my NYSC, I decided it would be best if I just volunteered for a bit. At least to see if I would enjoy it as much as I thought I would.

Thankful for my friend Ore who told me about Maroko high school and how they desperately needed some help with their SS3 class who were very far behind. Their exams were coming up and their teachers were over worked and spread thin. I really didn't understand the gravity of the situation till I took my first set of essays. I was almost discouraged, but I graded slowly and carefully leaving half a page worth of comments for each one.

It was worth it! My students are very eager to learn, sometimes restless and rowdy like teenagers can be but still eager to learn, show off their knowledge and then acquire some more. I haven't really had any disciplinary issues save for the boys in the back, all I had to do was split them up and then have a one-on-one meeting with them later. Maybe because my students are in SS3 they are more mature or maybe they just appreciate my being there but they are generally well behaved.

I haven't had any drama with the other teachers since i'm not full on staff, apart from an awkward moment when there was a teacher in the class during my period. Teaching is exhausting, physically and mentally. From preparing my lesson plan, to speaking loudly to a class of 75 students, to standing for hours in a room without a fan. But it is oh-so-rewarding, I really can't explain the feeling, when my students correct their own mistakes and see their improvement. It's all the payment I need.

Unfortunately my student's pride in themselves won't pay the bills so I had to start looking for a more permanent teaching job that actually pays. By word of mouth again I got called (thanks Khaf!). I had an interview at a private school last week Thursday, it went great and on Tuesday I'm going to sit in on a couple of classes. I'm excited! Wish me luck.

If you're interested in teaching in Nigeria, and you have time to volunteer I'll suggest going to a public school in your area and talking to the principal, they would be more than happy to have you! So that's it on my teaching experience so far, my long term goal is to go into education policy, but I need to know the system before I can fix it. I can't wait to see where this will take me.

Have a great week ahead!
Love, Sab.

Paper Chasing.

I've been thinking a lot about the reasons that i behave the way I do, for a long time now, but now more than ever i'm beginning to think about the way other's behave and the driving force behind these actions.

The revelations have been scary.

It seems that all of my peers are chasing money. Yes money, everyone is in a rush to get it however they can. It makes sense after all, money buys pretty things but it also pays for the basics like food and shelter, so it makes sense to follow the money no?

Yes and no for me, because i'm noticing more and more that its not just about the basics anymore, there's this raging desire to in their (my peer's) eyes to live a certain lifestyle and most times not one that they have grown up with. To be honest its OK to want to be more successful (how do we even measure success?) than our parents were, to provide for our children (if we have any) more than our parents did for us. I think of myself and my love for travel sure does cost some, and I like pretty things. 

But after all is said, Money is not the motive for EVERYTHING I do, and that's what scares me about these peers I'm talking about. I understand that some people don't have many options, they have to chase the money to survive, those are not the people I'm talking about. Everyday we're being sold a luxury lifestyle, through glitzy magazines and commercials on TV. No one ever talks about what is behind that life, and to be honest I have no interest in finding out. When I discuss my goals with people I can hear the scoff that barely escapes their lips, their thoughts "nobody makes any money like that".

How do I explain that although I understand what money can get it will never be the driving force behind my most important decisions (and I hope it will never have to be) i'm content with living a fulfilling life by changing the lives of others, having all the things I need and some wants now and then. I appreciate the privilege of having the opportunity to focus on dreams with the support of my parents, but I also know that there are many luxuries I have given up, and the Paper chasing route was an option and still seems appealing once in a while.

I guess at the end of it all it depends on your definition of happiness and where that comes from. Just make sure that whatever path you choose... whatever decisions you make its full of meaningful things.

I read this quote can't remember where but I was nine years old, actually I think it was the title of a book "Follow your dreams, the money will come after" something along those lines. It stuck I guess. 

Take a risk that brings you joy soon,

Sabirah.

No more Mr. Nice Guy

Hello there whoever reads this blog, its so funny when someone mentions in passing oh I saw blah blah blah on your blog, I'm always like you read my blog? hahahaha. Ghost readers make yourselves known. leave a comment :)

Anyways I learned something about myself recently, actually I've always known this but it took someone to give me a jolt. I'm your typical nice girl, fun, always ready to help a friend in need, always with a smile and a listening ear. I'm not tooting my own horn, it's just who I've always been. This of course is a good thing, but like with most things it has it's downsides.

I was talking to a friend a couple of days ago and he called me a pacifist and I just had to agree. Because I value peace so much, I always forgive easily, let things slide and hold things in. This of course can be damaging and as I reflect on past relationship I see a string of resentment mostly because I never spoke up for the fear of hurting someone's feelings.

Rewind to Last month in Italy, I had an incident where I stood up to someone, as pacifist this is a terribly hard thing for one to do but something kept pushing me to do it. Here's what happened : So while living in Florence I had made some friends, one of whom was a guy who had a leather shop down the road. Anyways one day we went out to gelato and we were just talking, casually, a friend of mine mentioned that she had plans of visiting me in Nigeria and his retort was "ooooh Sabirah is Nigerian no wonder..." At this point my eyes just flashed red, I knew all the stereotypes of Nigerian women in Italy and it had been a major deciding factor on whether I would go. The fact that he alluded to that made me so mad. Of course he quickly tried to back track saying that he knew that i wasn't like that but the damage was done. He apologized and we made an excuse and left.

As upset as I was I got over it quickly and by night time I had fully forgiven him. A couple of days later I still had a nagging feeling about the whole situation. So I put on my big girl pants and walked to the store. I was so scared because I had no idea what his reaction to what I was going to say was going to be. I walked in there and owned the situation! I explained to him why i was so upset, told him that it wasn't just about me but women in general. long story short I set him straight. It wasn't easy, I was crying before I was halfway through, but little did I know that this was a the beginning of a reawakening.

Fast forward to the present, after this conversation with my friend and some reflection, I decided to put my new-found self knowledge to the test. This guy that had been trying to talk to me was beginning to take things to quickly and I let him know, it was so hard for me but it felt good,Ii explained that I was uncomfortable and he agreed to slow down, although that's now over (before it ever started), it was good practical use of my knowledge

I'm happy to start implementing this in small doses in all areas of my life. Yaay to personal growth.
I love reflecting, learning and growing.

In other news I miss Italy soooo much, i can't explain it, It's like I left something there, my heart maybe? lol yes i'm heavy on the cheese.
here is a one of my fave photos from Italy edited :)

 Till next time :)
Sabirah!

I wasn't born with a rule book...

...And I don't intend on living my life like I was, I'm about to graduate and as a result I have been doing a lot of reflection. How did I get here? and am I happy with where I am in Life now? I've had a lot of doubts in this last month about my academic experience, a part of me feels like I didn't get what I wanted out of it, all of a sudden I realized I should have been an African history and Women and Gender studies, psychology proved to be too euro-centric for me. But I still enjoyed the hell out of it.

Over the years I had made a strict life plan, the most recent being that I would graduate, enter a PhD in social psychology, do that for about 6 years and then from there head home. But there was so much wrong with this plan, first my longing for my family and home couldn't be quenched, for every extra day I spent here I felt more homesick than the last. When I didn't get into the graduate program I wanted to go to, I took it as a blessing, and opportunity to re-route my plan. I'm going home. Because I know now that I forgot to look at the bigger picture, there were many different ways to reach my goals of empowering young girls... many

My anxieties about graduating had left me feeling unaccomplished and I even toyed with the idea of staying an extra year, but I realized that my time here is done and learning doesn't stop within the walls of a university in fact I think I got exactly what I was supposed to get out of an education, a deep desire to know more and confidence about the little I know, confidence to use that little bit to impact little changes everyday.

I'm closer to most of my dreams than i have ever been before, 2005 was the first time I thought about going to Italy, 2008 was the year I decided to learn Italian and 2011 is the year I am going to Italy. 2009 was the year that I realized I want to dedicate my life to empowering young girls, in 2010 The empowerment project was born. If someone asks me what is your five-year plan? I confidently reply, "I have no idea, but I will be happier and living all of my dreams for sure" I wasn't born with a rule book.

I'm not just satisfied, I'm overjoyed!

On Managing Friendships...

I've always been one of those people who has a steady group of friends, I was reading my "baby's book" ( A book where over excited mothers document every last detail of your life for your first few years- reserved for first kids only) and my mum wrote in it "Sabirah is a magnetic kid, although not very chatty she seems to have formed a nice group of pre-schooler friends who love her simple and gentle instructions on how to play with leggo something about her..."-gee thanks mom :).Anyways so for most of my life I've had a steady group of friends with a few falling off the grid once in a while and being duly "replaced" -I use that word loosely I don't think human beings can be replaced. 

A Photo of Me and Some of my closest girlfriends. :) 

Growing up has been putting challenges on my friendships though. My closest friends are around my age group and I treat them like the adults that they are, at the same time I feel like sometimes friends need to call out your bullshit- and this right here is my problem, as a rule I don't give advice unless I'm asked because
1) I don't Know it all, so who knows my advice maybe wrong...
2) It's a tad intrusive, especially on really sensitive issues

I'm always struggling in that space where being a good supportive friend and not being intrusive, because everyone deserves that space (I know I need it) and I don't want to ever come off as judgmental or anything like that. But what happens when someone very close to you does something that you really disapprove of? I'm trying my best to be supportive of my friend's choices but it's tearing at our friendship bit by bit. I am by no means without fault...but... I really can't explain why i'm so affected since it wasn't something that involved me.

I really hope this passes, or we have progressive conversation( tried a couple of times already)
In the end all I want if for said friend to be happy and if this is the route then I lay down my weapons.

Till next time...