Tough

Three weeks ago it was our anniversary and the Thursday night before, I had a conversation with my friend Simi - big shout out to her by the way, she's really special. It went thus:

Me: It's our(my partner and I) anniversary tomorrow, 2years.
Simi: Oh wow,  it's been two years already? How has it been?
Me: Tough
Simi: Oh, errr is that good?
Me: Yes, very good, in a weird way

Tough is probably not the most romantic way to describe a relationship but I was just being honest. It was one of those moments where I really considered the question and thought about it before I answered. My answer surprised even me, but as I've thought more about it, I'm sticking to it. Tough.

Before
Some background is necessary here. In the past I've always been the "good" person (well except for that one time where I really fucked up). So yeah, I've always been the good girlfriend, playing my role, being supportive or whatever was needed. As a result I was always being apologized to, always doing the forgiving. And I should add that for those relationships, this worked.

Temperament
I can be a pacifist. I detest confrontations and conflict and I'll shy away from it as long as I can. Of course this isn't always a good thing. Can lead to passive-aggressiveness, bottling up issues that need to be discussed and giving one a false sense of righteousness. So while this had previously been OK in my past relationship, it was a disaster for this one

Fighting Fair.
I never learnt how to fight fair, because I was so used to avoiding confrontations, when they did roll around, I shut everything out. Picture this:

Him: Sabirah, you really shouldn't have done that, it made me feel... and.... and.... I would prefer... in the future.
Me: OK, Sorry.
The end.

To me "Sorry" was the balm that fixed all, it made all the fighting stop (not really). Sorry allowed me to close up the topic and move on (or brood). I would feel I had done my part and expect all the negative energy to float away... and when they didn't I would pout. Bring on Fight round two...

It just seemed like we were always fighting. A few times I found myself wondering, "...maybe we just aren't meant for each other, is it really supposed to be this difficult?" I would cry and still not open up which I can imagine left my partner frustrated. One vicious cycle.

Now
We have gotten out of that crazy loop, and boy am I glad? Somehow we stuck it through and realised we both had work to do. Sometimes someone that loves you will uncover some ugly parts of you and you have to be OK with that. It's painful, grueling but in the end you come out a better version of you. Iron sharpens iron?

I leave you with this excerpt of a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life..."

P.s. An old post on soulmates
p.p.s Sorry I've been away so long... you know life? Hope all is well

Happy Holidays!
Love, Sab.