It's not thursday but...

1. I don't really like my music loud, like medium high is good, I don't like my music blaring
2. I secretly dream of writing things that will stir people, some kind of poetry or fiction or something
3. I have so many dreams I wonder if I will ever find a way to effortlessly blend or pursue them all.
4. I really miss my partner, mostly laying down in silence and reading next to him.
5. Right now I'm listening to Maxwell, Chrisette Michele and Donnell Jones. Music is good.
6. I'm happy.
7. This journey to self love... one can't slow down. It's a daily fight and struggle. 
8. Grace is such a beautiful word and thing. 
9. I'd really like to create a space for young creatives to come and bounce ideas and be inspired... that would be cool. Soon.

Through a Different Lens

As part of my birthday festivities I wanted to re-do that beach hike I did with Seyi back in May, remember? I've never really considered myself an outdoorsy type of girl but I'm finding out that I really do love being out in nature, especially by water. It was really great to go back and enjoy a day out. Everytime you visit a place again, it will be different, we're all constantly changing which makes each experience feel new. I love that. We got lost while driving and ended up on a very windy road in the mountains; scary and exciting. It was cold but the long walk warmed us up, and by the time we got to the beach we were happy and ready to dig into our picnic! Great day surrounded by wind, water and love. Enjoy the photos :)

Love always!
Hope everyone is doing great!!

Even more weightloss stories - The emotional

Hello everyone, been a while I've done one of these... lets get to it

Sigh.

The diet is finally coming to an end, the last time I checked my weight I was about 5kg away from my goal weight, after this period I had friends visiting so I ate like I was going into hibernation (OK not really but it felt that way, since I hadn't had pancakes, or pasta or pizza in like forever) I also didn't exercise and as much as I tried to enjoy the food and vacation I often felt guilt creeping in. I wasn't even eating junk food...

Then my scale stopped working and I had a mini panic attack.
I need to know my weight now!
OMG what if I already got fat from all this stuff I ate?
why did I have that slice of cake on my birthday? OMG what if I become fat... again. 
The thoughts were haunting me. I took my scale to the store to get a replacement but I wasn't able to since they no longer carried that brand (sign maybe). As I was on the bus home, I had a reality check "You've lost focus Sabirah... you've lost focus" I didn't decide to lose weight so I could damage my self esteem. But slowly I had started the process

I got home and cried, because here I was 18kg (40 pounds) lighter than I was 6 months ago but attaching all these feelings of self worth to my body that I never had before. I kept having these thoughts, if I could just tone this then I'd be perfect, just a little more, almost there, people are going to be so shocked.

I lost focus.

The focus was to lose weight while maintaining a positive body image and a healthy body. Honey if your mind isn't healthy then your body isn't. Dieting and exercising are hard as is, the discipline necessary, the slow results and the cravings are a lot to deal with already let alone dealing with self esteem, body dysmorphia and a negative self-image.

So the past two weeks have been weeks of re evaluation, I need to self affirm, re-learn how to love my body, love it as I did 40pounds ago, and even more. Re learn that my existence and worth is so much more than this physical body and reducing it to that is an insult.

I'm not replacing the scale and I'm moving on to the next phase of my diet, starting to re introduce carbs. I'm also going back to the gym to continue exercising because it makes me so happy and it separates "vanity" and body image from actually feeling good about my body. I love feeling stronger.

I just wanted to share because I hardly ever see this side of the story and people only talk about the good stuff.

Here's to healing our bodies, inside out.

Love always,
Sabirah

Simi X Sab, starring Mimosas of Life!

Excuse the title, but after making fun of people that add "of life" to everything, Simi and I found ourselves beginning to add it to everything! But in this case it was justified.

It was a gorgeous summer day as it always is in California and we decided that we would dress up and go out to brunch, sip on mimosas and have relaxed conversation over small bites... in our heads we were in some type of "yuppie" wonderland. I do hope that we can continue to do this once in a while even when life and responsibilities pile up. A great way to get away.

So we headed out, taking pictures of pretty things, Simi has quite "the eye" for photography I would love for her to take it further.

Can I just say I was totally feeling my hair that day, a fluffy little cloud of softness and my wedges too :)

Simi is sooo gorgeous! :)

They had bottomless Mimosas for a set price and we were like "yes please"! We fully intended to drink our money's worth. Bad idea number 1.

Bad Idea no. 2 especially for me was since I hadn't had alcohol in ages cos of my diet this was my first drink (or two or three or...) in a while. Soon enough we were all giggles. I kept saying, "This is la dolce vita, this is how Italians eat, over good long converstations and plenty of wine. (what a mess)

Simi ordered a beef hash with a poached egg that came with a green salad and it was yummy!

I got a BLT (the salad version) and it was really fresh tasting and flavorful

Finally after many drinks and eyeing the table next to us we decided to get "chicken lollipops" yum

I wonder what number this glass was...

It was definitely a fun day out, though it got a little "wild" I promise we kept it "classy"

"Simi this is la dolce vita, how Italians do"

lol,

Mimosas of life!

I hope everyone is great!

Love always,
Sabirah

You deserve.

You deserve someone who thinks you are beautiful,
You deserve someone who tells you,
You deserve someone who isn't afraid of your hurt
You deserve someone who wants to explore it with you,
You deserve someone who sees the darkest bits of you
Who rocks you slowly till they fade away

You deserve someone who understands the grace of God,
who knows that we are all broken,
we're just trying to find our way

You deserve someone who loves you,
Who wants to love you
And wants to show you.

You deserve someone who wants to hold your hand
in silence
for when words won't do
You deserve someone who believes in you

Forgiveness

I forgave someone, I'm not sure when I did but I know it was recently. It's weird though, because I didn't know I was even holding a grudge.

Here's the thing, she didn't do anything to me, probably why I didn't know that I was even mad at her. She hurt someone I care fiercely about and I held on to that, even after said person had let go. I shut her out, somewhat unknowingly, for all I knew she might as well not have existed. But these things are never isolated, as I shut out my relationship with her, I also began to close the window on others, sort of like a domino effect and soon there were a whole bunch of forgotten people.

It's weird because forgiveness is one of those things I feel like I am gifted with, I rarely ever hold a grudge. In fact I've often called forgiveness one of my faults, yet this particular case flew under my radar. And I held on to it for years.

But the way a grudge works is interesting, it does the exact opposite of what you hope it would do, because instead of attacking the other person, it eats at you. Slowly but surely, if you're lucky (or unlucky I should say) you might not notice and go on living your life like "normal". Hopefully when  you realize it won't be too late.

I spoke to her on my birthday, and we had a pleasant conversation and I felt a bit lighter, two days later we shared a joke and I felt just a tad lighter again. I saw a picture of her today and thought it was beautiful and I smiled to myself, I contemplated telling her... baby steps.

I feel lighter and free...

Take a small step towards forgiving someone today

Thursday Tidbits!

Whooo hooo it's Thursday!!
I haven't done one of these in a while

1. The past two weeks have been FUN! I will tell you in pictures.
2. My darling Simi left on Monday and I Still miss her so!
3. Guess who has the BEST partner in the whole world? That's right ME!. not saying this because he got me photoshop  
4. It's one of my closest Friends' birthday today. Happy birthday Sopiriala! You are so beautiful inside and out and I cherish our friendship of over a decade! You're amazing!
5. Did I mention I got photoshop back? I've been working again!! Whoop such fun
6. Spent the whole day in craft stores, IKEA and Target (OMG I was squealing all day) with my loves Javier and Maribel, fun times! I didn't buy anything but inspiration is free :).
7. Ooooh I want to show you all my birthday pressies and photos from the day of. *side-eye* Maribel! Hope you see this.
8. August babies rock!
9. You're awesome. Just 'cos